Venerable Lapdog

 

 

 

My Secret Life    By  Jay E. Bates

 

Now that I have been retired for 15 years I can divulge some of my

previous government employment secrets. At one time, in the sixties,  I

was employed by the Advanced Research Force to develop a super dog that

could detect any lies or inconsistencies in peoples statements. We were

headquartered in an old farm house in Kansas know as Area 9.

 

In the 19th Century, dog breeders invented all sorts of highly useful

breeds. Since that time dog breeders have mostly done nothing but make

more adorable the existing breeds. What kind of breeds would be useful

in the 21st Century?  In one of my more lucid moments, it struck me that

maybe somebody could breed a canine assistant, a dog with such a refined

sense of smell and of detecting human body language, they could detect

whether a person was lying or stretching the truth and would bark

accordingly. I put together a prospectus of my proposal for the

Department of Good Products of Outstanding Potential (DOGPOOP), which was readily accepted.

In due course, we had inter-bred many varieties of the more intelligent

working dogs and produced a super dog, Combined Ultimate Retriever,

or CUR for short. This beast could detect the slightest hesitation or catch

in the voice or a slight movement of the eyes that was a tipoff of any

stretching of the truth. We soon had a pack of these useful animals

ready for the super-secret group known as Bureau Investigative Technical

Cryptological Happenings.

 

We were very proud of our accomplishment, as you can well imagine, and

decided to show off the CURs to the Senate Intelligence Sub-Committee behind

closed doors in a secret meeting. Everything was going well with all the

CURs behaving themselves as we make our presentation to the

sub-committee. The sub-committee sat there is rapt silence, stunted by

the brilliance of our efforts. At the close of our presentation, the

distinguished head of the Senate Intelligence Sub-Committee, a well

known Senator known for his appreciation of good

liquor and young ladies , rose to his feet to thank us and heap

accolades upon our heads. However, as soon as he opened his mouth, all

Hell broke loose, with the whole pack of CURS howling and barking at the

top of their lungs. Needless to say, that was the end of our project.

All funding was ended and we were banned from any further government

contracts.

 

Now you may think that is the end of my sad story. However, unbeknownst to

us there had been a Russian double agent employee of the Senate

Intelligence Sub-Committee working as a doggerel  interpreter. She had

passed on our secrets to the Russians, and their secret group,

Proletariat  Order of Committed Heroes. In due order they had produced

their own super dog known as Fierce Interceptor Defective Observations,

or FIDO for short. Now the Russians did not have any such silly thing as

a legislative oversight committee, so they were able to complete their

project and produce a whole series of FIDOs for all the members of the

Politburo.  Now you all know that a distinguished member of the

Politburo does not stoop so low as to feed his FIDO, and as you might

have suspected as least some of the Politburo members wives ended up

feeding the FIDOs. Once the FIDOs had become the used to the women

feeding them, they naturally accepted the wives as the alpha member of

the pack and began ratting out the Politburo members and their dirty

little secrets. Also members of the Politburo’s select few were

beginning to detect lies and distortions among their contemporaries. As

you can well imagine that was the beginning of the end for the Union of

Soviet Socialist Republics.

 

Now you all know that while our esteemed former President Reagan may

have gotten  most of credit for the end of the Russian Empire, the real

reason shall for ever always be buried like a bone, because of

catastrophic consequences to world harmony and everyday discourse if

ever such a secret weapon such as the CUR or FIDO be unleashed on

mankind again. Thank God for Congressional Oversight Committees!